Domestic abuse: a Jewish woman’s perspective

Ziona Handler
VAWG Outreach Lead and Senior IDVA
Jewish Women’s Aid

Introduction

Domestic abuse is a pattern of controlling, coercive, threatening, or violent behaviour used by one person to gain and maintain power over another in an intimate or familial relationship. It can include physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse. These forms of abuse can occur in any community, affecting people of all ages, ethnicities, and religious backgrounds.

For Jewish women, domestic abuse may also involve a unique and deeply harmful dynamic: the misuse of religious teachings and spiritual practices to exert control. Religious and spiritual abuse is a particularly insidious form of domestic abuse that exploits a woman’s faith and connection to her community, making it even more difficult to seek help.

Domestic abuse in pregnancy

Domestic abuse often increases during pregnancy due to heightened stress, financial pressures, and shifts in relationship dynamics, with the abuser exploiting the victim’s increased vulnerability. Pregnancy may trigger resentment or jealousy, as the abuser perceives the unborn child as a rival for attention. Physical limitations and dependence can also make it harder for victims to seek help, increasing their risk. 

For Jewish women, this experience can be further complicated by cultural and religious expectations. Concerns about bringing shame to the family or community, alongside potential misinterpretation of religious beliefs, may isolate victims and discourage them from accessing support, highlighting the need for tailored interventions.

Religious and spiritual abuse 

This form of abuse occurs when an abuser manipulates religious beliefs, practices, or authority to dominate and control their partner. While Judaism promotes principles of justice, kindness, and mutual respect, these values can be distorted by abusers to justify harmful behaviour or to prevent victims from seeking help.

For Jewish women, religious abuse often exploits their commitment to their faith, family, and community, turning these sources of strength into tools of oppression. This form of abuse can undermine a woman’s autonomy, erode her connection to her faith, and isolate her within her community.

Gett Refusal

Gett refusal is a devastating form of religious abuse in the Jewish community. A gett, the Jewish divorce document, must be granted willingly by the husband for the marriage to be dissolved under Jewish law. Without it, the woman is unable to remarry within the faith. Abusive husbands may refuse to grant the gett, trapping women in a state of limbo and maintaining control. In some cases, husbands demand financial or custodial concessions in exchange for the gett, intensifying the victim’s emotional and financial distress. The stigma of gett refusal can also affect the woman’s children, damaging their standing in the community.

Misuse of the laws of family purity
The laws of family purity (taharat hamishpacha), which regulate the physical separation and reunion of husband and wife based on the woman’s menstrual cycle, can be manipulated by abusers. Abusive husbands may withhold reunion rituals, leaving the wife feeling rejected. In other cases, they may pressure their wives to violate these laws, creating feelings of guilt. Abusers might also mock or belittle their wives' adherence to the laws, eroding their self-esteem and spiritual confidence. This misuse distorts the sacred intent of these laws, which is to foster respect and closeness in marriage, ultimately harming the victim emotionally and spiritually.

Exploitation of religious authority

Abusers may manipulate religious authority to control their partners, misrepresenting religious teachings to justify their behaviour. They might claim that submission to the abuser is a religious duty or that seeking help would violate community norms. This manipulation reinforces the victim’s sense of entrapment. When victims turn to rabbis or community leaders for help, they may receive advice to stay in the marriage, especially if the leaders lack training in addressing domestic abuse. By weaponising religious teachings, abusers erode the victim’s connection to their faith, leaving them spiritually isolated and without a source of strength.

Pregnancy, postnatal vulnerability, and religious abuse

The challenges of religious and spiritual abuse intensify during pregnancy and the postnatal period. Pregnant women and new mothers often rely more on their partners, making it harder to challenge or escape abusive behaviour. Abusers may use religious teachings to undermine a woman’s confidence in her ability to be a good mother or wife, deepening feelings of inadequacy. Additionally, concerns about how leaving an abusive relationship may impact the child’s future in the Jewish community or their faith can discourage women from seeking help. The fear of damaging their child’s standing can leave women trapped in abusive situations.

How Jewish Women’s Aid can help

Jewish Women’s Aid (JWA) is the only UK charity offering culturally sensitive, specialist support for Jewish women and their children affected by domestic abuse and sexual violence. We pride ourselves on delivering exceptional services to Jewish women and their children and working collaboratively with those who work in and for our community to raise awareness of violence against women and girls.

JWA provides: 

• Immediate practical and emotional support 

• Specialist free counselling for up to a year 

• One-to-one children’s therapy and parenting guidance 

• Outreach and prevention programmes 

• Healthy relationships and consent training for young people 

To find out more about our work visit: www.jwa.org.uk   

For free, confidential advice contact JWA:

Helpline: 0808 801 0500
Webchat: jwa.org.uk/webchat
Email: advice@jwa.org.uk